The Golden Rule Manipulation

If I do nice things and expect to be treated nicely in return, is that manipulative? I ask because I believed it was. Because that was what he suggested, and I trusted him to tell me the truth. The more I ask myself this same question, the more confused I become.

Do you see how the answer to the question isn’t the actual manipulation?: It’s the question itself. Doubting what you believe to be fair to be an act of selfishness is the biggest manipulation. Had I been firm in my belief, it wouldn’t have mattered: Someone somewhere out there will care enough to work through it with me if it is an issue. I am not broken, but maybe mis-conditioned. I have had previous trauma and am still healing. Do you see how the question is cold? Dark? It turned into doubt in my brain. It started to grow and it dismantled me briefly into a pile of confused emotions. Plenty of time for the culprit to vanish without a trace.

The Girl I am High

Written in a journal with a bunch of cacti on it, August 7th 2019. All notes in italics are present-tense.

Edited from original.
The only drug I use is a THC Sativa vape pen, btw. That’s enough to getme high. This was written while taking Effexor 750 mgs twice a day, no alcohol and a lot of vaping.
I like the girl I am when I’m high. I see myself differently. The stuff I’d normally feel ugly doing, like eating junk food, I feel super sexy doing. Crouching on the floor in front of an open fridge door eating a pickle from a jar?High Xtine does this with such sultry finesse they should write hymns about it! When I’m high, everything I do is what I want to do. No one else’s desires, wants or nagging needs even exist when I’m high. Everyone is their best version of themselves when I’m high. They want nothing from me except what I’m willing to give. They could never hurt me, so why would I even waste time thinking or imaginging such nonsense? Everyone I love is perfect and so am I… when I’m high. I get so down with that existential thought, though! I swan-dive right into that heavy psyche I usually push down. I can go hours thinking about emotionally triggering traumas objectively and not need to take an Ativan. I have no fear of my own mind when I’m high. I used to want to live forever. I used to fear death, but now! Oh! What a sweet release from all the emotional bullshit and awful thoughts I torture myself with every fucking day. Seriously. I think that’s the real kicker here: A huge portion of my moral fiber is unraveling. I no longer hide from my mortality when I’m high. All of a sudden I realize time is meaningless and all we have for certain is this very moment. The past literally lives in your mind; it is not currently happening. What we chose to remember and shape us is really our choice, right? If we could only somehow figure out how to forget or use those memories to an advantage rather than just letting it scare the shit out of us, right? When I’m high, this happens. When I’m high, I know that thoughts aren’t necessarily real. They are a version of the truth. There is no one true story. It’s like versions of the same story.Living in the present has always been hard for me. My actions will cause areaction and I could hurt someone. I could get hurt. What if all I want is an ice cream sandwich for three weeks and then I decide I want Cherry Garcia for the rest of my life? But what happens if I get sick of Cherry Garcia and all I want are ice cream sandwiches but they don’t make them anymore? This is how my brain works with everything and it has made me succumb to everyone else’s desires. I don’t want to hurt the ice cream, because it didn’t do anything wrong. But also, I’m sick of this fucking ice cream, I want cake. If the ice cream really loves me, it will forgive me and enjoy the good times we had. And I will do the same for the ice cream. Okay, what the fuck and how did I get here?